So, you want to know how to make yourself cum. This is one of our favorite topics. Let’s chat about how to achieve the female orgasm.
You could have landed in this corner of the internet for any number of reasons. You may be totally new to sexual pleasure looking for beginner tips. Or you may be an old hat in the bedroom but have yet to successfully give yourself an orgasm.
No matter the reason, this article will help you reach your happy ending, all on your own.
Barriers to entry
Let's level the playing field a bit first.
Around 10 to 15 percent of women have never experienced an orgasm. And many experience their first orgasms late in life.
No matter what, if this moment is your starting line to your first solo orgasm, you’re right on time.
Orgasms come in all shapes and sizes, as do pleasure roadblocks. Some might find it harder to reach orgasm due to mental health, stress levels, past trauma, sexual shame, or medications.
Another common pleasure barrier may just be sexual self-awareness. (A great way to cultivate that is learning exactly how to make yourself cum.)
The main point here is; to give yourself some grace. Orgasms don’t come easily for all. Knowing your own barriers and a bit about your anatomy can offer a HUGE leg up on reaching your pleasure potential.
Now, let's get into some tips that might help you reach your toe-curling promised land.
Top 5 tips for making yourself cum
Down to the details on how to make yourself cum.
If you’re ready to start experiencing some amazing solo sex, start taking notes, my friend.
#1 Arousal, arousal, arousal!
First and foremost, we MUST talk about arousal. It’s the bedrock to all happy endings.
Many of us “learned” about sex from steamy sex scenes. But, one of the biggest “plot holes” of these commercial sex scenes (besides consent) is the lack of build-up, arousal, and foreplay.
In order to make yourself cum, solo or partnered, you need to spend sufficient time building up your arousal.
That means you’ve got to get turned on and revved up before heavy direct stimulation of any kind begins. Arousal increases blood flow to your genitals and thus increases sensitivity.
The more time you spend arousing yourself, the deeper, longer, and more intense your orgasm will be. (I promise!)
If you go in cold and start clit stimulation, sure, you might get there after some persistence, but it’s going to be a pretty meek orgasm. And you, you’re going for gold, I just know it.
#2 BREATHE BABY
It’s common to hold your breath during sexual stimulation. Or your breath may be shallow or sharp. This type of breathing may be keeping you from reaching orgasm.
Your best orgasmic tool in the bedroom is your breath.
During solo or partnered sex, try becoming aware of your breathing. Deepen and slow your breath. Breathe all the way down to your toes. Almost instantly you’ll become more aware of your bodily sensations.
As you deepen your breath, you may deepen your arousal and orgasm. You may find that after some practice you can even control your orgasm with your breath. (Seriously!)
Read More: A Guide To Orgasmic Somatic Breathwork
Try deeply breathing next time you’re self-pleasuring and see how this brings you into your body, and enhances your physical sensations. (Thank me later.)
And on a related note, make some noise.
I know we’ve been conditioned to either stay quiet during sex or alternatively, perform our pleasure loudly for our partners. But making authentic, pleasurable noises can be extremely arousing.
While you're breathing deeply and self-pleasuring, on the exhale let any noise that wants to come out, escape. Let your own pleasure noises be your guide.
#3 Play & let go
Sex (solo or not) doesn’t have to be so damn serious.
Remember to play, explore, and have fun. Many experiences a barrier to sexual pleasure because of tension, anxiety, stress, and even performance anxiety.
Try to take the pressure off yourself and just explore for the hell of it.
Don’t worry about what you look like. Don’t worry about reaching the finish line. Just feel your body and take note of what you sense in each moment.
During solo sex, the only pleasure/experience that matters is your own. So, do what feels good. You'll find that you know exactly what to do to make yourself cum. Pleasure comes naturally, if we can let go a little.
#4 Stop reaching for the goal post
A huge tip for learning how to make yourself cum is to stop trying so hard to get there. If you don’t make it there, that's okay. If it takes a while to get there, that's also okay.
Approach self-pleasuring from a new perspective: you might not cum. Restructure the goal: to feel good. See where that takes you.
Sometimes the striving for the climax is what kills the mood.
If you don’t cum, that's okay. Take the pressure off. It’s amazing what that can do.
#5 Experiment with toys, lubes, and erotica
You’ll never know the extent of what you like in bed if you don’t explore.
If you are learning how to make yourself cum, the best thing you can do is try new things. In doing so you’ll unlock your perfect combination of stimulation and arousal techniques.
- Clit sucking vibrators (OMFG they’re unreal)
- G-spot vibrators
- Tingling lubricants
- Shallowing/rimming with your fingers
- Blended orgasms
- Various positions (on your back, on your knees, on your side, in the shower, on the floor, you get the picture.
- Nipple stimulation
- Double penetration
- Visual, auditory, or written erotica
- Slow sex techniques
If you think sex toys aren’t for beginners, you’d be wrong.
There are endless types of vibrators that would be amazing for beginners. Some even find that vibration is necessary to get them to their happy ending.
Play-by-play: This is how to make yourself cum every damn time
Try this step-by-step process as you begin learning what you like in the solo bedroom.
Don't pass go, until you've done this. Turn yourself on.
Try self-massaging, dancing, strip teasing, porn, or any erotica. Just get to the point that you’re feeling sensations down below before you ever begin direct stimulation.
Touch, rub, circle, or massage erogenous zones like breasts, stomach, neck, and inner thighs. Slowly make your way to your vulva. Tease your way closer and closer to your clit. Don’t make direct contact yet. Build up to it.
Make the clit the star of the show
At first try broad stimulation of the entire vulva. Use the pad of your fingers to add gentle broad pressure to your vulva. (Or cup your hand over the area.) Place your fingers over your clitoral area and move your hand in a circular, side-to-side, or up and down pulsing motion. Try different speeds, pressures, and directions. The goal here is arousal and warm-up.
If you’re not wet, don't worry, add lube:
It takes time to get wet sometimes. Don’t stress. Add lube. The slip and slide lube can offer is beyond delicious. Don’t knock it until you try it. If you don’t have lube on hand, you can use organic coconut oil.
Go direct and BREATHE
When you’re wanting for more, use a finger to directly circle/rub the top clit. You can also use two fingers, one on either side of the clit for side stimulation. At this point, your natural instincts will take you to the finish line. Do whatever feels good. The key is motion consistency. If something is working, keep going. (This is why vibrators are so effective.)
A blended orgasm is having two orgasms at once. This requires stimulation such as one hand on your clit and the other at the vaginal opening or g-spot. Work both areas at the same time for a deep, blended orgasm.
Bust out the vibes
Go for gold, or whip out the toy chest. At this point adding a vibrator could be utterly mind blowing. Since you’re already very aroused, any vibration will feel perfectly orgasmic. Try using a clit sucker on the clit for thumping vibrations that encompass the entire clit. This is almost guaranteed to bring you to orgasm.
Read more: How To Orgasm With A Clit Sucker
Welp, that’s it for my tedtalk on how to cum
Remember, learning to climax is not something you can master in a night. Your sexual relationship with yourself is something that's likely to evolve throughout your life.
Just follow what feels good, my friend.